Fear

I am not someone that people think is afraid of anything. I walk tall, speak loudly and stand with what looks like confidence. People see the power and smile and mistakenly think I can do anything. I am often a rock for people in my circle of life. I am the one with the broad shoulders who can handle anything… or can I? Being this to so many people has at times left me forgetting that I to am human, with human feelings and the abilities of a human.

 

I have had a chance lately to grow my soul. That may seem like an odd statement, but that is what I believe was done. I hav ebeen nuturing my soul, my pains, my joys, my loves and so on.. and my soul just bloomed. I stand back in my fear, and I see it for what it is, what it was.. and what it will surely be again and I am human. Fear will and does take hold of me from time to time, even still so many years past what was by far the most horrible experience of my life. That being said it does not seem to hold me for nearly as long, or nearly as tightly as it once did.

The Void

Everyone has one.. I surely do… The loss of my father has proved to be the biggest most painful void of my life thus has. There has been nothing that has shaken me so deeply before. I have so many unanswered questions, so many things I wish I could have said.. that I didn’t because it wasnt the time.

 

The hole in my life is huge. I am still overcome with grief to the point that it is paralyzing. It has been just over 18 months, and I am far from patient. I want the pain to be over. Last night was another night when I was lost in the grief.. so deeply that I could barely find myself in it. With the children away, I have minimal obvious distraction. So the pain and the grief feel like they are swallowing me alive.

We hung a picture he painted this week in the dining room. It is a sense of comfort and sadness all at the same time. To look get lost in the blurs of color and light house, the memories of a simpler time when all I had to be was Daddy’s little girl.  From the first time I saw this painting, it looked familiar, like I had been there before.

The void.. the emptiness that is in my life … I must find a way to fill it.

The world is going to the dogs

I have learnt so much from my chocolate lab Tobie. He has taught me to play at least twice a day, to walk and exercise often, to have a few moments each day when you just let loose without caring if people thinking you are crazy, to be nice to people you meet on the street unless something just doesn’t feel right and you can go anywhere by putting one foot in front of the other. He has also taught me to greet people warmly, remember something about them, you can learn new things at any age, you can have fun in the sun or rain, that you will go great lengths for those you love etc. These are all things that I knew… but I was reminded in the eyes of my wonderful chocolate lab: Tobie.  

 

When Tobie became a member of our family, I knew I would have a life long companion but I never knew that I would learn so much from him. Every day is an adventure with him filled with more opportunities for me to grow and look at the world through puppy eyes.

 

The story of the five balls

This is terribly important.

 

Imagine life is a game in which you are juggling five balls. The balls are called work, family, health, friends and integrity. And you’re keeping all of the in the air. But one day you finally come to understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. The other four balls-family, health, friends, integrity- are made of glass. If you drop one of these, it will be irrevocably scuffed, nicked, perhaps even shattered. And once you truly understand the lesson of the five balls, you will have the beginnings of balance in your life.

 

So here we are.. welcome to the beginning

 

 

And it starts, a journey : my journey.  There will be growth, laughter and possibly some tears. As I change and evolve.

 

About the title of this blog.  Growth Dance. There is a song by Leanne Womack called I hope you dance. It is a song that has touched my soul so deeply. Often it is easy to stay stuck in our stuff rather than forging forward. One needs to listen to the music of life and dance!

Welcome to the beginning… Welcome to me